An Open Letter to Smug Marrieds on Behalf of Singletons Everywhere

by Amy on March 29, 2010 · 3 comments

Dear Smug Marrieds,

By popular demand, I’ve been asked to place you on official notice, on behalf of Singletons everywhere, that comments such as the following, no matter how well intentioned, are downright insulting.  Some of you will recognize these comments because you’ve made them to Yours Truly.  Don’t hate me for calling you out.  Consider it an educational opportunity.  And now, without further ado, the list:

What do you mean, “cougar” is an insult?  I think it’s flattering.

One day you, too, will find happiness, like the two of us.

Oh, I just figured you didn’t like kids.  You know, because you’re single.

The experience of having children is the whole reason we were put on this earth.

I don’t understand why the blind date with Harry didn’t work out.  I mean, you both have so much in common — you’re both single.

I know it’s none of my business, but have you considered a sperm bank?  Adoption?

The reason you’re single is because you’re too picky.  No one’s perfect.  I don’t see what the problem is with [a serial killer] [a man with three heads] [a man with a mullet and seven children from seven different marriages].  

My man is out of town.  Even though I haven’t called you in months, let’s be besties and have a girls’ night!

You need to love yourself first.

Oh, no, are you one of those [man-haters] [women’s libbers] [feminists]?

Weddings must be so hard for you.

Stop looking, take up your own hobby (knitting, anyone?) and he’ll find you!

Look around at all your fantastic girlfriends.  Aren’t they enough for you?  You’re loved!

You’re having a girls’ night?  Can I bring my husband?

Yours truly,

A Representative Singleton

P.S. Bridget would approve. V. good.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Marge Everhart March 30, 2010 at 8:21 am

Funny! Keep a watch behind your back.

sallaboutme March 30, 2010 at 9:34 am

Yes, Yes. And yes! This is so true!!! Every last one of them and I’m so glad you posted this!

Steavy March 30, 2010 at 11:37 am

I loved this. I am the only single person in my entire family, so I get this a lot. At the family Christmas party, the question came up: ‘So, when are you gonna find a guy?’ The complete silence followed by outrage and pity, when I said, ‘Who knows, I may never get married.’ was absolutely hilarious. Next time they ask, I think I will just tell them some random date, like August 21, 2012.

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