Hot Enough for Ya?

by Amy on July 24, 2010 · 0 comments

The forecast today calls for a high of 100 degrees.  Needless to say, I’m hot.  Steamy hot. 

Hot enough to submit my application to HotEnough.org, the Internet dating site that only accepts hot people.  On less steamy days I might be insecure about my chances, but I’m feeling sufficiently hot today that I figured I should give it a try.  

HotEnough.org “is not for the average single,” the website warns me from the start.  I suck in my s’more-induced summer tummy layer and read on.  “Hotenough.org is the online dating site designed so that attractive, fit, sexy singles can meet other attractive, fit, sexy singles.”  Why HotEnough.org, you ask?  Because if you’re hot, “you deserve to look at and be looked at by the best.”

I run to the bathroom and stare in the mirror.  Three plucked chin hairs and a dab of eye cream later, I reevaluate.  Okay, this just might work.  If I find the right photos from the very best hair days of my life, ideally after suffering a three-week flu so I’m on the thinner side of my happy weight.

By the way, “Hot Enough offers three tiers of hotties, so if you’re fit and trendy, then rest assured there is a place for you.”  Whew.  That’s a relief.  And the top-tier hotties have access to all three tiers, and, even better, if one of the top-tier hotties chooses me, I’m allowed to communicate with him, even if I’m a lesser-tier hottie.

Good thing I’m still under 40, too.  HotEnough didn’t originally include the over-40 crowd.  The thinking apparently was that once you turn 40 you have no chance of ever being hot enough again.  Something about that particular birthday wipes the very hotness from you overnight, I guess.  HotEnough has obviously reconsidered, though, and now generously includes “an exclusive section for our 40+ singles,” the “Baby Boomer Section.”  Apparently the good folks at HotEnough don’t realize that even the youngest of the Baby Boomers are about 50, but never mind, because this isn’t SmartEnough, is it?  Now, you should know that these “Baby Boomer” hotties aren’t allowed to communicate with the under-40 hotties (i.e. the true hotties) unless the under-40 hotties grant permission, so if you’re a cougar type, this may not be the site for you.

The application process is surprisingly simple.  No questions about irrelevant matters like education or interests.  HotEnough gets right to the point.  Height?  Build?  (You must choose among athletic and toned, slim, slender, average, or curvy — fatties cannot be hotties.)  Eye color, hair color, race?  Okay, now three photos, please, one of them full body, in case you were lying about that slim build.

I spend a good half an hour choosing the right photos, a task that proves far more challenging than I anticipated.  Surely everyone can find three photos from sometime in their past in which they look hot.  Right?  I mean, we’re not talking about how I really look every day.

The problem with me, you see, is that I tend more toward the cute than the hot, even on my best days.  As I write this, for example, I’m wearing a Swiss polka-dot sundress and my hair is in a ponytail.  I finally settle on a photo of two of my friends and me in which I’m smiling sweetly and wearing a cute sky-blue blouse with a darling red pattern.  (I make sure to crop my friends out of the photo because they look slightly hotter than me by comparison.) 

Now for the full-body shot.  My challenge is to find one that backs up my claimed “athletic and toned” build.  I consider for a minute the one where I’m running into the lake for my first (and last) triathlon, but my face is decidedly unhot and terrified-looking, my mouth shaped like a scream.  Finally I settle on a photo in which I’m lying on a daybed at a nightclub in Miami, my legs boasting a rare tan from the beach.  I’m guessing nightclub shots go a long way with the HotEnough panel. For photo three I choose one of me right after completing the Body for Life fitness plan four years ago, when I was at my lightest weight since high school, the one in which I’m curling my bicep into a small molehill to show it off to my friends.

And, presto, off you go, hot photos, to the HotEnough.org site administrators, where you will be judged based on whether I appear “well-kept and in shape.”  If I pass this assessment, I will be granted prospective member status.  But not so fast…I’m no hottie yet.  My photos are then forwarded to HotEnough’s voting area, where active members, each of them already deemed hot enough, cast votes and rate me on a score of 1 to 10.  I need to maintain a score of 6 or above to become an active member.

All I need is a 6?  Surely I’m at least a 6.  Slightly above average, a 6.  The molehill bicep.  The tan legs.  The nightclub.  It’s not like I’m asking to be in the top tier of hotties, the Bo Derek types.  The third tier will do, as long as I’m adjudged hot enough. 

Wow, but what if I’m not even considered a 6?  If I’m not slightly above average, then what am I?  Where will my life go from there, as a mere average, 5-or-under unhot person?  I deserve to look at and be looked at by the best, I do! 

On this, the hottest day of 2010, I really, really hope I’m hot enough.

(To be continued…)

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