How Do I Work Out? A Rant

by Amy on September 12, 2010 · 0 comments

I suppose it’s my fault.  It’s my fault that, when selecting photos for my Match.com profile, I chose one in which I’m flexing my bicep muscles.  Muscles that were once upon a time detectable, for about a five-minute period, just after completing a three-month fitness/nutrition regimen to win a bet.  So today some lunkhead emails me on Match, some lunkhead who, in answering in his profile what he likes to do “for fun,” says, “I like to work out, play tennis, racquetball, golf, ride my bike, hike, walk, stay active.”

This is not me...at the moment

While he’s out there staying active, I, “for fun,” as my Match profile makes clear, like to sit on my ass and watch Top Chef.  Or lounge in my backyard reading a book.  Or while away time at the coffee shop writing.  Or visit with my friends over a lazy cream-covered-egg-themed brunch.  Or bake cookies and save half of the batter to lick from the bowl. 

Yet, because of that one photo, that one elusive moment of buff Amy, he decides we were made for each other, or at least have a common thread (visible muscles), and writes to me the following Match email:

Hi, how are you? Nice muscles ;)

How do you work out?

Is he expecting me to respond, “On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I rotate upper and lower body weights plus do speed-walk/sprint intervals on the treadmill.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I do 45 minutes of cardio, including variation of the treadmill and the elliptical or a jog at the park, plus pilates to strengthen my core.  On weekends I cross-train.  And as much as possible, I drop and do crunches.  And you?”

Never mind that our Match profiles reveal nothing else in common.

Never mind that his pet is a desert gecko while I make clear I prefer my pets with fur and even note my dislike for snakes (granted, not the same as a desert gecko but in the same “If That Slimy Thing Ever Escapes Its Glass Tank My Heart Will Stop Beating on the Spot” category ).

Never mind that I state quite clearly in my profile, front and center, that I want children, while he, divorced with two of his own who “sometimes live at home,” “probably does not” want any more.  (Match translation:  I’ve already had a vasectomy, but I don’t want to eliminate the women in your age range, the majority of which still want little brats of your own, because heaven forbid I should be stuck dating anyone my own age, so I’ll dangle the slim possibility that I might, when pigs fly, want kids, and then convince you once you fall for me that you can adopt mine).

How do I work out?  Really?

Note to self:  Modify Match profile to reflect self more accurately to potential suitors.

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