Uglyschmucks.com: All Heart, No Brain

by Amy on September 23, 2010 · 3 comments

Like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, new dating website Uglyschmucks.com’s heart is in the right place.  If only it had a brain.  Beyond this website’s Ugly-with-a-capital “U” veneer (pocked with embarrassing spelling and grammar gaffes), it hasn’t figured out that finding love based on inner beauty won’t happen when the focus is on physical appearance, whether its members look like gods or dogs.

Let’s start with the website’s premise (count the “sics” with me):

“In todays [sic] day and age, searching for a partner can be a [sic] such a daunting task.  Especially if your [sic!] like a lot of us who arn’t [sic! sic!!] that attractive.  The Ugly Schmuck VIP membership is designed to give unattractive men and women a finely tweeked [sic] tool to help them succeed in the meeting of others for [sic] whom they can relate.  [???]  This community is exclusively for unattractive people, so you know that the members here are looking for genuine personality and not superficial looks.”

After all:  “Meaningful relationships come from the heart, not the outer appearience [gasp!].  To truly enjoy a partners presence, thats true love [seriously, call the apostrophe police!].

Despite the fact that this newest kid on the dating-website block was obviously a D student, I can’t resist entering and looking around a bit.  After auditioning for dating website HotEnough.org over the summer and scaring the website offline with my audition photos, I figure I should check out online dating life at the opposite end of the aesthetic spectrum.

After choosing the username Maude (located via a Google search for ugly baby names for girls — my apologies to any Maude’s out there), I upload my passport photo (yikes!), which surely qualifies me, at least in that shot, as an ugly schmuck.

The info-intake page does little to draw out the heart and soul of the website’s members.  First, it asks for the superficial measurement of height — but the trick is — in centimeters (as this is a Canadian-based website).  Google assists me in converting my average five-foot-five into the metric system, but I’m not sure whether 165.10 centimeters qualifies as ugly or pretty.

Then a smattering of questions that have nothing to do with anything:

Hava [sic, sigh] a car?  So how many pushups can you do?  Ya like to drink?

The question “How’s your humor” gets closer to the inner-beauty goal, except the response includes options like “dirty” or “sick and disgusting.” 

And a few more gaffes confirming that Uglyschmucks.com isn’t the brightest bulb in the box:

Background country:  Options include U.S., Canada, and…Asia.

Likes and dislikes:  I indicate that I enjoy waching movies [sic] and volinteering [sic to my stomach now].

But the worst infraction of all is the prerequisite “about yourself” paragraph.  Even on Hotenough.org I was allowed sufficient space to introduce the inner me in my own words.  Here, the “about yourself” paragraph allows only 200 characters, barely longer than a Twitter entry.  I resort to describing myself in a laundry list of single words:  “Writer, lawyer, funnygirl, dreamer, reader, foodie, girl-next-door.  And you?”

Which tells me what’s wrong with Uglyschmucks.com in the first place.  The website touts meaningful relationships coming from the heart, not the outer appearance (I mean, appearience).  Yet, the whole premise of the website is outer appearance:  Members can be voted off if they’re not ugly enough.  How is that any less superficial than Hotenough.org’s “hot enough” requirement? 

As revealed when I conduct my first member search for a potential Ugly Schmuck mate:  I wouldn’t exactly call most of the members “ugly” in the conventional sense.  A couple of them are obviously jokers (um, “Poop Head” from California, for example), but several seem sincere about finding someone who’s hot on the inside.  Take the description of one objectively attractive guy from California:  “A warm hearted man with a good sense of humor.  Feminine intelligence is extremely attractive to me!  My ‘perfect’ woman could be one of a hundred different combinations of life experiences, intellect,”  (Oops…guess he got cut off by the word limit.)  This guy probably isn’t long for this world once the uglies get wind of him and vote him off, but he seems to be exactly what the site is striving for…if only they’d focus on his innards and not his pleasant-to-look-at-ness.

Then there’s Sylar32 from Delaware.  His photo, too, is pleasant enough. The only thing that’s ugly about Sylar32, in fact, is his grotesquely abnormal height (a mere 5 centimeters), which reveals that he’s either 1) shorter than Barbie, 2) didn’t read the directions, or 3) can’t figure out how to find the feet-to-centimeters converter on Google.

I dunno.  As far as I can tell, Uglyschmucks.com offers nothing Match.com doesn’t: an array of fellows ranging from not-so-blessed in the looks department to aesthetically pleasing on the outside, some with good intentions, some jokers, plentiful horrid spelling.  Also like Match, you have to pay a fee if you want to do more than look around.  The only difference is that on UglySchmucks.com you can be voted out based on appearance alone.  (Jury’s still out on my passport photo…10 votes of not ugly enough and you’re out.) 

Bottom line: I don’t care if you’re an ugly schmuck or hot enough.  If you’re really a Good One, you’ll ultimately focus on what really matters about me, which goes far beyond a snapshot.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Stupid for falling August 20, 2018 at 3:40 am

Tried this site. Worst mistake ever. I keep getting flirts but can never look at anything. Everytime I try to access the website I get a failure alert. It won’t even let me delete my profile. I have tried, to no avail, to contact customer service, or doesn’t seem to exist. Don’t fall for this scam of a website that takes your information and does absolutely nothing for you.

Harold January 22, 2019 at 1:56 pm

A scam. No customer service phone. The taking your money end of it DeLuca Solutions does not respond. They site does not recognize my email or the password. The money guy does not return emails or calls. His cell voice mail has children voices in the background. Making money off of nada.

Nigel Murray March 31, 2019 at 10:05 am

I did n’t get further than the attempt to sign up because the dialogue box required me to confirm I had read the terms and conditions. Unfortunately, the Ts and Cs are nowhere to be found. I have sent the support people an enquiry about this.

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