Dove Chocolates and Their Empty Love Promises (Burp)

by Amy on January 13, 2013 · 0 comments

I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day (for obvious reasons), but I am a big fan of Valentine’s Day candy.  As I munch away on the season’s finest cherry M&M’s and Dove Strawberry Crème and Chocolate Swirl Heart Promises, I entertain myself by reading the “sweet nothing” messages inside the foil Dove wrappers.  (Is this a possible contributing factor to my chronic singlehood?) Okay, wise ones at Dove, what Promises do you have to offer for my long-suffering love life?  (Unwrap, munch.)

“Get swept away by love.” Excellent advice at first blush.  Except, er, how am I supposed to go about that, exactly?  Like, where do I find the love that is supposed to sweep me away?  Is that answer in another of these little wrappers?  I suppose I must continue eating to find out.  (Unwrap, unwrap, munch, munch, munch.)

“Make someone melt today.” I’d love to do so.  But who is *someone*?  Who is he?  Where is he?  Where the hell is he?  (Unwrap some more.  Munch some more.)

“Be a little mysterious.” Obviously that’s your modus operandi, Dove, as you pretend to have all the answers but fail time and again to address the ever important HOW.  You should run for political office, Dove.  Come to think of it, I’m getting kind of chocolated out.  But I feel so close to the answer, I must keep going.  (Summoning all my extra stomach space, marching forward, now sort of desperately, through the little wrappers.)

“Trust with your heart, not your head.” Ah.  So I’m overthinking things?  You may have a point there.  Maybe if I just stop thinking so much and open the next one (burp)…

“Laugh until your heart overflows.” Laugh. Laugh and my heart will overflow with good tidings and joy and love and make me attractive naturally without trying so hard? Am I on the right track? Tell me. Tell me!

“Remember your first crush.” That would have to be this kid named Dalynn back in first grade who wore a Minnesota Vikings jacket and made tractor noises at recess.  But what does he have to do with anything?  Who’s writing this crap, anyway?  A vision pops into my mind of some skinny copywriter huddled in his cubicle popping his pimples and chortling away at we suckers for Dove and all the Promises (and calories) it offers.

“Laugh until your heart overflows.” Hey, waaaaait a minute…

“The best things in life are chocolate.” Now you’re talking.  Smartest thing you’ve said all day.

P.S. I do realize this amounts to approximately eight pieces of Dove Promises all in one sitting.  (Is this a possible contributing factor to my chronic singlehood?)

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